Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Tiger Dicks

I didn't review the last strip because it gave me so little to work with. Also, I might have been a little hungover. Either way, I almost passed this one up because it's so simple (c'mon guise step it up srsly lol).

Now, let's see what's wrong with this shit burger. Besides that it is, in fact, a sandwich where a turd rests as the main component of nourishement.

Alright, I'm not, like, trying to be like, y'know, racist or anything? But there is a severe lack of white people in this strip. Rather, there is an abundance of black people. Mike and Jerry finally succumbed to affirmative action, I guess, and look what you get. A strip with no variety.

Speaking of which, the art in this strip is just fucking sloppy. The other men were clearly copy+pasted. What happened to the glorious master artist Gabe? Did he finally give up his artistic integrity and resort to CAD's methods?? Why can't he just come up with a different look for each character?? "Oh no! Lookit me! I'm Gabe! I have to draw 3 people that aren't Gabe and Tycho! What ever will I do! Oh I know I'll make them look THE SAME!" What a fucking talentless hack.

Or hell! Maybe it goes beyond that! Take a closer look at the strip. You notice anything?

Yeah. The people that look the same are all black.

What the fuck is Gabe trying to say in this strip?? That all black people look alike?? He couldn't be bothered to draw them different because FUCK IT! Black people all look the same. What a racist cunt.

Then again, I guess it was obvious from the start. Look at Gabe in the first strip. He's already hostile and the first black guy just showed up. He didn't do anything fucking wrong! And then look, in the second panel, where the second guy shows up. Gabe's eyeing him pretty closely wouldn't you say? For what? They're just giving him friendly smiles! Oh, and look where his left hand has moved. It's behind him. Protecting his wallet.

And the last panel is the most outrageous of all. He sees a black man ride up in a shiny new golf cart and says, "Come the fuck on." Why? Because he's jealous. He's jealous that a black man can afford a cool pimp-ass ride like that, and his skinny white ass can't. Racism at it's worst.

So, to you, Mike, I say a big FUCK YOU for your arrogant, ignorant, racist fucking bastard ways, and I hope someone finally calls you out on it. Maybe one day you'll be recognized for the racist that you are.

Wait, I just realized. This entire strip doesn't make sense anyway; Black people don't play golf.

-Pimp Out

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Mazeltov, Human Wizard

This strip is stupid. You want to know why it's stupid? BECAUSE I LIKE POPSICLES. ROFL. THAT'S THE PUNCHLINE HERE, FOLKS!

But in all seriousness, what the shit? Why isn't the wizard wearing pants? Last time I checked, wizards could equip pants. At least cloth pants, right? Or what? Is this Final (not final at all amirite??) Fantasy Tactics? Are those two fanny bandits in the back Judges? Did they decree "No Fucking Pants" rules? C'mon, man, you only use those rules for hot chicks! Not dinky old men.

Speaking of which, how is Mazeltov a Human Wizard? Mazeltov is Jewish. Shouldn't his race be a Jew Wizard? That's a fucking tangent.


I feel that "I like popsicles," is an over-used gag. Or rather, the "I like x," where x = kind of funny thing. X can = penguins, ham, toast, cheese, etc. It's too easy of a gag, and I feel like Mazeltov could've said something much funnier to the dragon, in terms of having Alzheimers. Something like--- like-- well shit, I can't think of anything. But surely Mike or Jerry could have.

Oh-- fuck-- did I just go into serious review?



Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Welcome to PAFT.

Greetings and salutations! Welcome to Penny Arcade is Fucking Terrible, a blog wherein I offer honest critiques of the artist's and writer's work, in hopes of guiding them to improve their work.

That being said, Penny Arcade is fucking terrible.

Seriously, it's the worst webcomic I've ever encountered (and I've read PVP - zing!). I can't even begin to comprehend how this comic has made it as far as it has. The creators host Child's Play? Like, playing with children? What? And PAX? Yeah, PAX Fudge maybe, 'cause that's how gay it is.

Anyway, to start things off, sort of an opening-house, if you will, I will critique some of the recent strips they've done, including their latest.


Ugh. This strip is a complete mess. I don't even know where to begin. Oh I know, how 'bout the SHIT parts. Okay, first, the helmets! What the fuck is up with those helmets? They're changing based on the wearer's expressions! Why?? To make it funny or something?? Real helmets don't do that! Did the artist not realize this when he was drawing them or something? Gah!

Oh, and don't even get me started on the coffee mug. Once again, helmets! Storm Troopers can't drink coffee through their helmets! That mouth hole if for talking only. Such a gross oversight by such two supposedly loyal fans to the Star Wars franchise.

And the bitch on the right-- why does she look so weird?? She looks like she's crying or some shit. This strip is garbage.


Jeeze lo-weeze. This strip's a catastrophe. The first two panels don't even have anything to do with the last frame. It's just some bitch hitting Solid Snake or Cobra Commander or somebody with a box. Like, what?? Oh, and "kuncha" and "krinch"?? Those aren't even real sound effects! I have never hit somebody in the face with a box and heard "kuncha!" And I've boxed many a faces, let me tell you.

And the third panel, when we FINALLY, after that long bullshit story arc before it, get to the main characters. And then what? Another story arc set-up! We find out that Gabe is a closet faggot, 'cause he ordered some glass mermaid or some shit. And then, instead of punching him in the face, Tycho asks him if he insured it! This entire strip is an abortion.

(Hehehehehe. Myeh.)


Oh my god, what? What the hell is this strip? Why are two gamers out hunting? What, they think this is Duck Hunt or some shit? Some little faggy dog is gonna laugh at them every time they miss? Whatever, I only have three things to say about this strip.

One, what the hell is up with their faces in the first frame? "Ohh, we're far away, so our faces are FUCKED UP!" Mike's an idiot.

Second, why are they wearing life jackets in the woods? You only wear life jackets when you're FISHING, on a BOAT, you morons! I swear, Mike and Jerry think they can just churn out any ol' piece of shit from their buttholes and that people will eat it up. IF ONLY IT WEREN'T TRUE.

And finally, but not lastly, the last bit of dialogue. "Some animals do die from that, yeah."? What? Uh, hello but, excuse me if I'm wrong, but don't ALL animals die from that? Getting fucking shot? Yeah, bullets = die, always. This strip makes me want to pee blood, because it would be more enjoyable than reading this piece of garbage.


Holy shit, look at that chick. She's so fucking hot. I wish that was my blood dripping down her lips, onto her breasts. I just wanna, like, wrap my hands around her long-ass neck and, like, squeeze it. Just, fuck, man! Look at 'er!


Why in the name of ever-loving shit is EVE from Wall-E fucking some random bimbo? First of all, EVE is from the future, this chick is from the past. Second, EVE's a girl robot! Why would she be having sex with a girl human? Or a human at all? Plus, EVE doesn't have legs. That doesn't even look like EVE. This strip just fails on all levels.


Okay, okay, hold up, let's see. The computer screen, instead of an error message, just says fucked, the old man is having a heart attack because Gabe is in close proximity to him, and Gabe's new computer is a box of crayons and an abacus?

Hehehe. That's actually pretty funny.

Anyway, Penny Arcade is Fucking Terrible, and I'll see you next strip.